Won't Let Me Go

Sheesh...so it looks as though I should be receiving failing marks for my 2 month departure from blogging. Apparently my inner monologue has not been that exciting for me to post anything riveting. However, I have had some thoughts brewing in my mind, oh let's say...for the last two years, so I think now is as good as time as any to make it widely known. And by widely known, I mean my parents, maybe Liz (Hi Liz!) and my friend Al. Small audience, but captive nonetheless. Okay, so my thoughts. One of the main reasons I chose App State for grad school was because I wanted to attend a public school and to get out of the Christian bubble I had so comfortably lived in for 8 years. I needed to see how I would flourish or falter, for that matter. Because my undergraduate institution and then the non-profit I worked for somewhat dictated and determined how my faith would be and should be acted out, it was important for me to see what my faith was like on my own. Fast forward a year and a half and I find myself very reflective on what my faith journey has been like during that time. If I were to put it simply I would say it has not been easy. On top of that there have been many discouraging moments and at other times really revolutionary moments.

For the sake of time and to keep your pupils from going crazy from an extensively long blog, I will focus on one main aspect of my journey: the labeling of Christian. To be frank, I am not a fan. At all. Let me tell you why. While I have been down here in NC, I have really been able to see just how broad and wide the term Christian is. I feel that word is a type of "catch-all" for anyone who has ever sang "Jesus Loves Me", went to church on Christmas, to Jesus himself. And for some reason that range does not sit well with me. Through my faith journey I have seen all these different people who call themselves Christians yet are the most judgmental and hypocritical people I have ever met. I have seen them take what they call faith and manipulate it to fit their desires, beliefs and wants. I was walking past our post office one day and overheard a couple gentlemen talking. One said to the other "well I hope this person doesn't get voted in, so let's hope God thinks the same thing." I'm sorry, but that just does not seem right! After hearing that type of conversation over and over again while being here but also throughout my life, I realized these people, along with myself, call ourselves Christians. Yet the type of faith they have is not what I want my faith to look like.

So I decided not to take on the label of Christian. During a diversity exercise in GA training in January, the question was asked "please stand if you are a Christian". I didn't stand. Friends, in that moment, my heart broke. I felt as though by relinquishing that label I had given up on the values I was raised on and the things I believe in. It hurt so much that when the question "Please stand if you have ever turned your back on your faith" was asked, I stood. It took everything within me for the rest of the afternoon to not burst out in tears. I was so confused as to what my faith looked like and what it even meant to me. I felt disappointed in the things I decided to stand for and not stand for.

But...(hooray for the "but"!) since that moment, I have sensed my faith becoming more than what it was before. It is still, most definitely, a work in progress. I think it took me some time to ponder what I really felt about being called a Christian. If I didn't call myself a Christian did that mean I instantly turned my back on my values? No, it didn't. And even though I felt as though I had failed in my faith by struggling so much with the term "Christian", I noticed that through all the twists and turns and days filled with doubt, the Lord never let me go. It was such a great feeling to realize that in our faith journey, whatever that may be, it is okay to ask questions and at times, be completely unsure about anything and everything. I have been there, done that and will more than likely be back there again sometime soon. Cause no matter how much you question, He won't let  you go.